DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
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My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot