Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
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FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
What number SPF blocks people?
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you