I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
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Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Unimpressed
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
whatcha thinkin bout
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow