An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
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Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us