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@NotJPo: "No more Mr Nice Guy"
~ Mr Nice Guy's eulogy
@BrogaPants: what if "chicken patty" is just short for "chicken patricia"
@mdob11: [waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how's it go-
Me: I'll take the stairs.
@FrenulumBreve: [Man in restaurant]
I'll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
@bobvulfov: MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
@TheAlexNevil: Me: Who's a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.