No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
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Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store