Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
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today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?