No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
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I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that