“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
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When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Autocorrect completely socks
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming