“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
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Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
TODAY
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.