“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
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Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Word!
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”