“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
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You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
People don鈥檛 know this but there鈥檚 no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I鈥檓 going to jail.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it鈥檚 a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid鈥檚 fine
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 馃槓
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 馃檨
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
I think it鈥檚 time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they鈥檙e being modelled in too.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…