@internetluke: "No, no. No! NO!" - guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
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@MattMcElaney: Cashier's playing dumb cause I said "venti" at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
@realHamOnWry: Putting a light in the refrigerator is God's way of telling us that it's okay to eat before going to bed.
@leshnevsky: - Michelle, we must break up... - Oh, I'll kill myself! - That's a nice bonus. Thank you!
@tastefactory: COP:Do u know how fast u were going ME: The posted speed limit, 495 COP: Sir that's the route number, i don't even know how I caught up to u