@internetluke: "No, no. No! NO!" - guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
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@KenJennings: Friday night is my weekly time to ponder...which do I hate more: my friends, or having to make new friends?
@thisislizz: The D word that everyone's been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently. Aaaaand there's HR calling me. Brb.
@platinum2000: If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does...
@nonsensetwit: My fear of spiders happened when I went to hit one with a newspaper, and it looked at me and did pushups saying "try again bro."