‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
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It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
🙅🏻
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.