No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
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A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
“Wait, let me explain..”
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry