“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
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#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.