No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
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Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.