My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
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Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
checking out some reviews of my local library
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Me: how are you
Friday: good
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in