No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
You Might Also Like
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.