No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
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Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
This is true.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned