No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
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Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal