“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
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Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
nobody’s gonna understand
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat