No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
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Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
When you’ve simply given up.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.