No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
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Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”