No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
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if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.