No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
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I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap