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A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO