No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
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You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
I love it all
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.