No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
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I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
This is the coolest video you will see today.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*