No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
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I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
“We will wed,” I threatened
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.