I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
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I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Terribly Tuesday.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Who does Amazon think I am?
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
I didn’t realize that was an option
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?