@dshack8: No one is more productive than a guy who's been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
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@Cheeseboy22: When I die, I'd like my coffin to be filled with Reese's Pieces so on my headstone it can say "R.I.R.P."
@JosesLovesYou: [at sheep farm] Me: So how do you get steel wool? Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep Me: huh? *sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
@Stellacopter: [at heaven's gate] God: Tell me why I should let u in Me: I've never made anyone look at my baby's ultrasound pic God: You can have my bed