No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
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My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK