No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
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i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
How do you like your Corgi?
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.