No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
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People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
When they try to steal your moment.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
I like crazy people until they notice me
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Crying is a sign of leakness.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal