no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
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Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
car not found
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Basketball
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.