No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
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judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.