No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
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It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.