Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
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Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
The devil.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants