No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
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I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
No. YOU-buprofen.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.