No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
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if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
“No way.” -Jose
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
The first matador
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs