I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
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BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
just got my engagement photos
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.