No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
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You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate