@longwall26: No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it'll take me to dig my own grave.
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@topaz_kell: To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
@Ideal_Victoria: Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one” And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
@Jay_FrickinLynn: Excuse me, ma'am. Your car doesn't make you invisible, but I am super impressed by how far you just got your finger up your nose.
@hamspamtymaam: Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I'm just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I'm all that's left.