Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
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[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.