NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
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Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Europe. Made in Germany.