[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
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FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Welcome to the stomach
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
I wish I were this cool 😂
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me