“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
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ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
i will not be silenced
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
mathematically impossible
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion