No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
You Might Also Like
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Drunk yoga, but it鈥檚 me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i鈥檓 here for the fish tube job
I didn鈥檛 think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Annual reminder that Valentine鈥檚 Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 馃槉
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
living with your parents
pros: it鈥檚 free
cons: everything else
when someone鈥檚 guiding me into a parking spot:
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 馃槈
I don鈥檛 realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I鈥檓 rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
The worst part about being humble is that you can鈥檛 even brag about it.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.