@LurkAtHomeMom: No sweetie, you can't have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that's not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
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@WowItsStephen: "I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy" is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
@mrtruthandsoul: I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
@BasicLyes: Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I'm driving.
@iwearaonesie: "Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes" - me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I'm locked out