No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
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This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
I’m giving up for Lent.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
This kid is going places
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts