No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
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“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t