No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
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There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
How to wake up a Beagle
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.