Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
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It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.