Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
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its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫