No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
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Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
I have no passwords left in me
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.